Oh how wonderful is my Mr Wonderful

I am mad. I am tired of being mad. But I have to stay mad to make my point across although staying mad is such an effort I don't think I'll bother. It is sad when getting mad is the only way I can get my point across a thick headed neanderthal man. His heart is in the right place but honestly?? We were going home from a lovely dinner with the girls. We both ate too much so the journey home was kinda sedate on the account that we were full (food babies both of us) and I was getting kinda sleepy. There was a beat up car in front with a for sale sign on it, and they were travelling at speeds even Mr Snail would complain about.. i.e. 70 in a 100 kmh road. So Mr Speedy decided to floor it and overtake. No problem. However once he has, he braked and forced the other car to slow down? WTF? I turned to him and gestured "WTF" with my hands (yes you know the gesture) and he didn't answer. The car at back answered for him by putting their high beam lights on and off. And on and off. At this time I know that a/Mr Wonderful has pissed someone off b/Mr Wonderful is himself pissed off c/a confrontation is imminent and d/no sex tonight coz I'll be pissed off. So I asked again what the matter was and I was briefly told that when Mr Wonderful overtook, the youths driving said beat up car gave him a 'jerk off' sign which pissed him off and so here we are... I asked/told/harrassed him to let it go and just leave it be (I don't know as yet why 'it' is such an insult at this point) and he being Mr Wonderful (eye roll) will not. So he braked (in the middle of the road - where cars go by at 100kmh!) and the other car behind had no option but to brake behind him. OUT he goes thundering and there were heated words, out goes the juvenile youth (drunk with a beer bottle in his hand - and driving at 100kmh!!!) and his equally juvenile mate (also drunk - but still coherent so maybe he should have been designated Dave and drove - but never mind) and blagh.. arghh.. me male.. you kid... me young.. you old.. blarghh.. arghh.. is all I heard from the commotion outside the car. I was of great mind to lock the doors and if the youths pulled a knife on Mr Wonderful I'm sure I'll drive him to the hospital.. maybe... My blood boiled at this point for a/he was sober so he should have known better b/he was older so he should have known better c/taking insults from jerk off signs - really??? d/picking a fight on two inebriated children is like watching Goliath pound on David. Its just cruel and thats not how the story was suppose to go. And Mr Wonderful being an engineer with more than your average IQ - I expected better of him dammit - not some thug who fights first and think not at all. Me Smash. Me Crash. Arggh.. aRggh... The youths explained that their car was beat up and Mr Wonderful (I wasnt sure who was more mature at this point - the drunk teens or my Mr Wonderful - I think the teens have it two to one) said that they should not be on the road blah blah and so the youths drove away to which he cheerily said Ok Bye! So on the way home, he copped an earful from me then its silent treatment. He hates silent treatment. When I am mad, thats default action, otherwise I would brain him dead and he is stronger bigger than me so he'll just laugh and that will send me to overload. More silent treatments - for a week!!! Then being Mr Wonderful, he turned it around so that its my fault for being so like my mother by having all this temper tantrum and silent treatment!!! Brain overload!! Thats it pal - silent treatment for the Day!!!! x

Kids

29/3/2014 Talked to the kids. Recorded. Saturday instead of Sunday because Sophie needs to go to Doncaster (which I was told was a party club scene). Kids will be dropped off to Lauras for the night. The talk went well. Sophie was not in the room so the kids were able to relax and talk to their father on a friendly intimate level. Bradley was crying because he felt helpless that he cant show properly his father what he meant (i.e. weaving) but Paul got him calmed down and chipper in no time. I absolutely admire the way he deals with those kids and now even two years after they have been taken from him, they still remember how to behave when their father says enough and I dare say, they crave that kind of love, that kind of attention.

Why Do I do this to myself?

My life has been topsy turvy up of late. Husband was in another city so got a transfer to a new job to be in same city as him, packed all our stuff, stored in shed, moved cities, (2011) only to find out husband doesn't want to save marriage, so if his separation date was to be followed, 8 months into the marriage, it all fell apart. 2012. Valentines day 2012 sucked, since our real separation date (being the date he moved out) was Feb 11 2012. But in hindsight, it probably was the best thing that happened to me. 9 months later, I found another man, or rather he found me. I am still with him until now and because of past hurts, I am suffering from insecurities I can't control. Why Do I Do This to Myself? They say that you should only find love when you are ready, not when you are lonely. I was not lonely when I met Paul. I was happiest that I have ever been in fact. I was loving my new lease in life, being single gives you a different perspective in life. I can actually enjoy myself and not worry so much about the other half. Brent (the ex) was such hard work. I suffered migraines, I looked so sickly and old. Being single, I learned how to laugh again. And laugh with every fiber of my being. There was joy in the world again. And possibilities. I can breathe, and I realised that the sky was the limit. I began getting comments, how young I looked compared to before, my migraines disappeared, my friends and family were my rock. But I never touched love. My family was getting worried because I locked myself in my room during weekends. I wasn't depressed, I was just happy to enjoy my own company. They don't like to see me alone I guess. LoL. I am not meant to be alone, I have so much love to give, my sister said. I have to love myself before I can love another. And to do that, I have to forgive myself for the decisions I took. Ending my marriage took a lot out of me. Brent and I have given it a go and another go and then another go, but the problems are always there, always repeating, never resolved. I finally realised that its not me, I can change however which way but as problems go in a marriage, its always two ways. And he is not interested in change. Or progress. His decisions have always been stop gap ones, band aid solutions that doesn't go anywhere, the wound is still there. And I finally realised that some people despite loving each other so much, are not meant to be together. He is happy now with someone else. I am happy for him, sad a little bit that it can't be me but in the end, if the person you love is happy, it really doesnt matter who they end up does it? So me? Well it took a while to heal. And to reconnect again. Maybe because I invested so much into the first that I can't be bothered with the next. I am still debating about that. Paul is amazing. I dare say almost perfect except that he is a Leo which means that he is 1/always right 2/roars out load 3/bossy 4/arrogant 5/may be a little conceited (but I find that sexy in him). He is also charming, loving, generous, and he doesnt let me get my own way. In other words, he is a man - and a protective one at that. I never felt so much a woman than when I am in his arms. And did I mention he is gorgeous? I have no idea how I could attract such a great package. They say like minded people will always come together, they also say that opposites attract. I feel lucky that I have him in my life. He is such a great ego boost. But because of that and because of his charming ways, I am riddled with insecurity. Why do I do this to myself?